Sunday, March 18, 2012

Paid Strange and the return of Dracula

Many of my friends have asked me over the course of months and years:  Why write a book on whoring?  How can you make the world a better place by de-pantsing men everywhere for their extracurricular activities with tanned, young strumpets who want nothing more than to subsidize their college tuition with a little extra coin?  Why create a tome that women can point to and say "See that?  You are a cheating bastard!" Why tell of our dirty little secrets?  Why, why, and again, why? 

I reply once more that the book was written to amuse and edify, not endorse a particular way of life.  I'm not recommending that you, Bob, go out and tap-dance in the lillies of paid strange, or you, Kyle, tell your wife to piss off, and then go pound Dusty like a tom-tom.  No, sir.  I merely wanted to entertain and elicit a chuckle from my readers.  Are we not weary of pedantic politics?  Do we not smart and weep in the face of so much horror in the world - murder, rape, child abuse, genocide?  The list goes on.  So, please, when you read the book, read it in context to what is transpiring across the globe at large ... and realize it is an attempt to bring a philosophical smile to your otherwise pulverized visage due to the slings and arrows of life, and the random nightmare that is sometimes referred to as human existence.

On another note, I undertook to bring my recent novel, Monster Vice to life, because I wanted to explore a different take on Dracula, and offer some scientific plausibility for the appearance of monsters on the planet, which include vampires, werewolves, demons from hell, trapped ghosts, succubi, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Dracula in my book has altered his name to Curadal (rearranging the letters in his name as such), ultimately revealing his true identity to our hero, Detective Dick Pitts of LAPD's Monster Vice.  Dracula maintains his reputation was buggered by Bram Stoker, his friend at one time, and that he is really a very gentle vampire, who lives off the blood of pigeons or coconut milk (due to its plasma-like isotonic properties).  The story follows Pitts, now partnered with Dracula (also an officer in Monster Vice) to track down a Master Vampire who is consigning children to eternal undead-ness.

The hook in Monster Vice - again assailed by some of my friends and colleagues - is that Dick Pitts was once bitten by a vampire, and the only way he can forestall his ultimate transformation into a 'fang' is to induce ejaculation once every 24 hours.  There is a scientific reason for this, and it lies in the neuropeptide called Prolactin.  Prolactin (and you can google this) is released into the body upon orgasm.  The theory behind Pitts' affliction is that only a body-flush of prolactin can ward off his impending 'change'.   Thus, he needs either sex, or its closer, and more lonely cousin, masturbation, in order to remain human.

I kinda liked the take - I was tired of crosses, holy water, silver bullets, and sunlight, being the only means by which to render vampirism null and void.  I much preferred my hero having to spooge himself silly to survive.  The mechanism in the story is rather amusing, because Dick Pitts oftentimes must tackle the Flogging of Freddy himself, and there is always a ticking clock against him.

So, there is my explanation to one and all on both books.  And in the words of Edward R. Murrow, good night and good luck.

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