Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Introducing The Man Book

It seems like forever since I first came up with the idea of writing a book that explains everything a modern man needs to know to be happy. The first kernel of an idea began, as with so many of my inspirations, with a cocktail – which in and of itself isn’t unusual, I suppose. Be that as it may, I was on a flight and was chatting with a young lady who seemed mystified as to why her fiancĂ© (she pronounced it Fhay-an-ce, like Beyonce with a ffff and an ay) didn’t respond to her ideas and thoughts as she hoped. As I imagined her plunging 32 thousand feet to her death, or alternatively, someone driving an ice pick through my ear to end the suffering, I thought, “Why is it that any man would listen to this for more than five seconds?” That led to another cocktail, and soon I was mentally sketching out the idea of a primer for men, lest any other male ever have to endure what I did for that two hours of living hell.

And so The Man Book was born into the world. It’s a very funny book, in the way that watching someone else get into a car accident or walk down the aisle is funny. But more than that, it is a book that will make me easily the most hated man on the planet to the female of the species. And that will be undeserved, because all I am doing is explaining why modern men are unhappy behaving like neutered housecats. And yet I know that the outrage from mannish women with bad short haircuts and a sincere belief that the planet would be better without men, or with only a few for artificial insemination purposes will be loud and immediate. I shall treasure each and every one star, foaming at the mouth review I get, and wear it as a badge of honor. Because ladies? The world isn’t anything like what you think it is. While you’re driving the Explorer a man invented and engineered, talking on your cell phone that a man designed and conceptualized, on your way to the beauty salon to have products invented by men applied to your hair while you complain about what a dick your husband, who wishes for death like a Labrador wishes for a squeaky toy, is, men are building the roads you drive on, crafting the medicines that will keep you alive, and figuring out how to get you to buy more crap nobody in their right mind needs.

That’s the world. And men. That feeling of emptiness and despair you feel as you trudge through your modern life? It’s a feeling that is completely unnecessary. I’m here to bring you news of freedom. You don’t have to feel guilty about being a man, with all that implies, any more. I’ve written a book that even the slowest among you can grasp, that will tell you how to be happy and fulfilled. And yes, strippers are often involved. But there’s so much more to tell. So much.

Without any further ado, I would ask each and every one of you to order it via Amazon – a company run by a really smart man, and download it to your computer or Kindle (which was designed by a man), and then discover what you’ve been missing. If you don’t like it for any reason, you can suck my fat dick, but more importantly, you can get a refund, which you can spend on getting your chest waxed or whatever you’re into.

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