Introducing The Man Book

It seems like forever since I first came up with the idea of writing a book that explains everything a modern man needs to know to be happy. The first kernel of an idea began, as with so many of my inspirations, with a cocktail – which in and of itself isn’t unusual, I suppose. Be that as it may, I was on a flight and was chatting with a young lady who seemed mystified as to why her fiancé (she pronounced it Fhay-an-ce, like Beyonce with a ffff and an ay) didn’t respond to her ideas and thoughts as she hoped. As I imagined her plunging 32 thousand feet to her death, or alternatively, someone driving an ice pick through my ear to end the suffering, I thought, “Why is it that any man would listen to this for more than five seconds?” That led to another cocktail, and soon I was mentally sketching out the idea of a primer for men, lest any other male ever have to endure what I did for that two hours of living hell.

And so The Man Book was born into the world. It’s a very funny book, in the way that watching someone else get into a car accident or walk down the aisle is funny. But more than that, it is a book that will make me easily the most hated man on the planet to the female of the species. And that will be undeserved, because all I am doing is explaining why modern men are unhappy behaving like neutered housecats. And yet I know that the outrage from mannish women with bad short haircuts and a sincere belief that the planet would be better without men, or with only a few for artificial insemination purposes will be loud and immediate. I shall treasure each and every one star, foaming at the mouth review I get, and wear it as a badge of honor. Because ladies? The world isn’t anything like what you think it is. While you’re driving the Explorer a man invented and engineered, talking on your cell phone that a man designed and conceptualized, on your way to the beauty salon to have products invented by men applied to your hair while you complain about what a dick your husband, who wishes for death like a Labrador wishes for a squeaky toy, is, men are building the roads you drive on, crafting the medicines that will keep you alive, and figuring out how to get you to buy more crap nobody in their right mind needs.

That’s the world. And men. That feeling of emptiness and despair you feel as you trudge through your modern life? It’s a feeling that is completely unnecessary. I’m here to bring you news of freedom. You don’t have to feel guilty about being a man, with all that implies, any more. I’ve written a book that even the slowest among you can grasp, that will tell you how to be happy and fulfilled. And yes, strippers are often involved. But there’s so much more to tell. So much.

Without any further ado, I would ask each and every one of you to order it via Amazon – a company run by a really smart man, and download it to your computer or Kindle (which was designed by a man), and then discover what you’ve been missing. If you don’t like it for any reason, you can suck my fat dick, but more importantly, you can get a refund, which you can spend on getting your chest waxed or whatever you’re into.

God? Good? Evil? Or Random Horror of the Universe

Like most of America - perhaps most of the world - I was horrified by the acts of the 'thing' I refer to as James Holmes, who mowed down 12 people in Agoura, Colorado, and injured 59 others in a movie theater last week.  I've been asked by friends and family more than once:  Where was God?  Why did he not stop this horror?  To which I reply consistently:  I don't know.  Perhaps we are not supposed to know ... or if there is a reason behind it, it is beyond our comprehension and not our business to understand.  Personally, it is the only answer I can live with.  Evil is alive and well in the world, and it, more than occasionally, wins.  My books generally revolve around the battle between good and evil, and in those books, sometimes evil triumphs.  We either accept this as a reality of human existence or we go quietly and slowly insane.  Fortunately, Man's constant friend and companion, alcohol, can ameliorate the horror of evil's sometimes victorious nature.  I say this only partially in jest -- but we all cope with incomprehensible acts of evil in our own very private way.  While I do not generally advocate the death penalty, I find myself hypocritically hoping that they fry this James Holmes freak.  I will forgive myself this piece of hypocrisy in the short term.  I am too near the horror ... as I believe are we all.  God bless the families of those who lost loved ones in that dreadful imbroglio last week.  And God bless America - let us see that this kind of violent horseshit does not happen again.  That is, to the best of our ability...

Time and Analysis on Amazon Algorithms - Mixed Nuts

I waited until this last free promo on two of my books to weigh in on anything worthy re the matter of Amazon and free promotionals of indie authors' books, both new product and old.  I did so because I have received a very mixed bag of nuts in terms of returns and in terms of what has already been stated (or gloomily predicted and analyzed thus far) vis a vis free promotionals and revenue from book sales and if indeed, as illustrated by some, the landscape for the indie author is presently as lifeless as the lunar surface.

To begin, and again, others have analyzed the problem far more exhaustively than myself; I refer to those parties and analyses attendant thereto in the following:  The excellent blogs on the subject by Russell Blake, Phoenix Sullivan and Ed Robertson can be referred to for in depth analysis.  As I did before, I include the links now, in order, for comprehensive nuts-and-bolts commentary on the algorithm shifts/sales. For Russell Blake:  http://russellblake.com/how-it-works/; For Phoenix Sullivan:  blog on the topic here; and for Ed Robertson: nice rundown on the evidence.

I released my latest book, The Last Harem, on a 2 day promotional almost two weeks ago.  The genre is very specific and perhaps damning in terms of any kind of book-buying audience.  It was placed by Amazon (and myself) under Rich and Famous, as it dealt with a famouse personage of royalty and my ex-fiance; it was also an autobiography.  It had no place under mass appeal genres like straight fiction, romance, science fiction, or mystery.  It was niche to the max.

Thus far, sales have been disappointing.  Can I blame the algorithm shift by Amazon on dismal sales?  Perhaps.  Or perhaps it could just be the subject matter of my book which few people show interest in availing themselves to.

In the past 48 hours, I have completed a 2-day promo on past books, one a hard-boiled mystery, Gray Area, and one, a young adult fantasy, The Last Elf.  Both books upon their initial introduction into the world proved enjoyable re sales, particularly, the hard-boiled Gray Area.  This is Area's third intro as a 'freebie' item, and it has surprisingly, as of this morning, already sold almost 50 books, and is in the top 100 of Amazon best-selling hard-boiled mysteries, 12 hours after the 2 day promotional has ended.  Conversely, The Last Elf, has not enjoyed one single sale, despite good reviews and an audience which, at least in the movie world, is more than alive and well.  Witness this past week's enormously successful film "Brave."  Same age range that the Last Elf targets.  Yet my sales are negligible in the same genre.

My conclusions?  Well, the algorithms have affected all indie authors, admittedly also by those indie authors of considerable success.  Fine, we can't get around that.  But, as one of my favorite indie authors stated:  If we're expecting to get rich by writing, it's a lousy reason to write.  Bottom line, we should write because we love to write - we need to write.  And it is why, despite this time of relative algorithmic privation with reference to our sales success, we must continue to write. 

I believe these hard times will pass.  Something will change, new marketing devices will be found that will assist us all in increased marketability promise.  In the meantime, we ride out this current tide of difficulty, and mush on.  Writing and selling books is hard, hard work.  It is not an easy businesss.  But that is what makes the whole game great. 

So buy another one of my damned books, mix yourself a martini (or tea, if that be your demonic beverage of choice), buckle up, and get back to the keys.

And don't forget to walk your cat.

The Amazon Shift - Algorithms

It is apparently true that the Amazon shift in its algorithm policy has affected sales for most indie authors.  I am feeling the results personally.  While my April and May months were relatively stellar for a first time author on Amazon, this month, June, is proving less than spectacular.  This is a very brief note, as I will devote myself more fully to an analysis once my new book, The Last Harem, debuts tomorrow, June 7.  If sales prove disappointing, once I initiate a free download promotional on the book, new approaches to generating revenue from my books will have to be considered.

Things Change - The Only Guaranty In Life

So, for all you indie authors out there, you no doubt are feeling the effects of Amazon's recent change of policy and protocol vis a vis free downloads and the alteration of the ubiquitous algorithm.  Bottom line, that shift force and effect by Amazon has led to reduced sales for all indie authors, yours truly included.  I shall not belabor the theories behind it; there are excellent blogs on the subject by Russell Blake, Phoenix Sullivan and Ed Robertson that can be referred to for in depth analysis.  I include the links now, in order, for comprehensive nuts-and-bolts commentary on the algorithm shifts/sales. For Russell Blake:  http://russellblake.com/how-it-works/; For Phoenix Sullivan:  blog on the topic here; and for Ed Robertson: nice rundown on the evidence.

Bottom line, free download promotionals no longer bear the same fruits for actual sales that they did several months ago, due to Amazon's recent actions concerning the promotionals.  Is this a reason to cease utilizing the free-download thing to market your books?  No.  Simply do not expect that multiple-orgasm response to prodigious selling of your product, post-free phase.  At least for repeat product intro into the marketplace as a free entity.  I will be uploading a brand new book to Amazon in the next week, called The Last Harem, and will still take advantage of Amazon's free-promotional venue.  I shall then report if this algorithm shift is as viable for new product as it is for old.  I simply do not know and hope it is not.  If it is, clearly, we indie authors must find other resourceful means by which to market our books.

Is all of the above - and inter-related blog input - cause and reason to despair?  I think not.  As Sullivan alludes in his above-blog, Amazon could again adjust its policy in 30 days to our advantage, and all that is articulated today regarding algorithms could change in that above-stated time frame.  But let's say that does not happen.  Let's say that Amazon is like a bad girlfriend who takes forever to come, and does not help indie writers again enjoy the auspicious days of recent old wherein free promotionals guaranteed massive pyroclastic flow of profits in the aftermath.  What do authors like you and me do to increase sales, or at least maintain a healthy stream of revenue from existing product? 

Well, for one thing, we must find alternative routes to marketing.  Twitter is critical, so is Facebook, and half a dozen other mechanisms for reaching out to the masses.  Also, local radio airtime for exposure, if you have access to it, cannot hurt.  For those of you with disposable bling, television ads are good as well.  I personally believe that the secret to maintaining a steady stream of revenue is to produce more product.

In her recent NY Times article, correspondent Julie Bosman describes by way of a best-selling author, Lisa Scottoline, that the public is like a huge maw that needs to be fed constantly (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/business/in-e-reader-age-of-writers-cramp-a-book-a-year-is-slacking.html?_r=1&ref=juliebosman).  That in fact, the author who wishes to produce only one book every year or two may quickly be rendered irrelevant and forgettable.  Which means, we as indie writers, must look to a future where we actually increase our output, rather than just maintain it.  For example, I am currently finishing up two novels to be released in June and July (in addition to The Last Harem) and will augment those books with three other novels I've started, and an anthology novelette.  In this way, I can be assured of a new product introduced into the marketplace at least once every month for the rest of the year.  Why kill myself and aim for this goal?  To feed the public beast of need; the old precept of supply and demand is in full force and effect with the KDP Select Amazon has offered us.  I would advise all my colleagues to look to writing, writing, writing, and publish lest you perish, at an accelerated rate.

You might say:  "Won't that haste in increasing output jeopardize the quality of work generated?"  No.  Don't let that be the case.  Work assiduously, utilize an editor, defy traditional nay saying that to work in haste makes waste.  Stay on the public radar; continue to twitter; continue to Facebook the planet.  Become friends with a celebrity, even better, be caught in the headlights of a scandal with a celebrity, preferably oddly sexual (John Travolta's recent 'gay' harassment issues immediately leap to mind).  Become famous.  Save the planet from space aliens.  Do anything - just stay visible regarding your work. If we follow that mandate, we cannot fail.  Conversely, slack will lead to lack, and unless indie authors step up to the plate willing to accept a hopeless schedule of writing 24/7, mucho hours per day, there is little chance that those writers will sell well, let alone make a marginal profit.

I'll let you all know what happens with The Last Harem.  Now, please, in the words of one of my favorite authors, go out there and buy my shit.  If I have to cease purchasing Grey Goose vodka and drink that urine of a libation, Popov, again, I may just do a Hemingway and leave it all up to the Almighty.

Thank you for reading.  And thank you for not smoking.

 

Vampire Trends and Remakes

I went to see the movie, Dark Shadows, based on the original series in 1970 - a Dan Curtis production.  Great thing about the old series was that it was cheesy beyond belief, and production values were non-existent.  In some episodes, you can see the production assistant shadows and the boom coming into frame.  Hokey, but forgivable.  The acting, too, was borderline dreadful, certainly ludicrous.

Tim Burton's lush remake of that series suffers none of the original show's appalling gaffs.  It is a piece of visual perfection, augmented greatly by a grand score, courtesy of Danny Elfman.  Johnny Depp is predictably unassailable as Barnabus Collins, the titular head of the Collins family that dates back generationally more than 200 years.  He is, of course, a vampire, cursed to the rank of undead status by the beautiful bitch-kitty witch, Angelique, who both wants to fornicate him to death (real death) and destroy him simultaneously.  Add to this the element of an amusing dysfunctional family - the Collins clan of 1972 - and you have a film which is both fun to view, and fun to contemplate, in terms of 'what the hell happened to this bloody family to make them so fucked up.'

Answer of course, is the family curse.  Ghosts, werewolves and vampires are de rigeuer for the Collins familia, and such things are accepted in due course.  After being  forced to watch so many television vampires of late - all of whom appear vaguely sexually detached or ambivalent - yet all telegenically perfect, it's nice to see a vampire movie that doesn't take itself so seriously, and even embraces its own loopiness.  Barnabus Collins, though clearly a genius unto his own right, nevertheless awakens to the year 1972 and muddles through with a kind of pleasant gormlessness that makes you love him even as he slaughters innocents by the dozen to slake his ubiquitous hunger for human hemoglobin.  All other performances are equally laudable.

As I reintroduced my own vampire novel, Monster Vice, back to Amazon, with our old friend, Dracula, I applauded Dark Shadows for what it was:  sloppy fang pleasure, guilty to the extreme.

Humor and Harem Girls

I've just read two very entertaining books that I recommend, both dealing with different subject matters.  One will keep you howling with laughter, the other will be food for thought and make you wonder if life in a modern day harem is all that bad.

First book is Bill Maher's "The New New Rules", a follow-up to his highly successful "New Rules", and is nothing short of genius.  He is able to offend most everyone and most every subject, no matter what side of the political or religious spectrum one may be on.  And yet, his observations, in my opinion, are right on.  Now my opinion is subjective:  I greatly enjoy the Bill Maher show on HBO, as much as I enjoy Bill O'Reilly's Fox show "The Factor".  One occupies the left of center, and one the right.  Both are compelling, and both are well executed.  But Bill O'Reilly's humor and mine, simply don't gel.  Bill Maher, on the other hand, has me screaming with the funnies.  Each of you must decide if his humor is for you or not.  But it is well written, notwithstanding where stands your sense of humor.

The other book I've just completed, and I tweeted on it some weeks ago, but now wish to compliment it again on the blog, is "Some Girls" by Jillian Lauren.  It's her true life experience within the Sultanate of Brunei, as a harem girl, back in the early 1990s.  It is filled with the predictable sexual encounters with royal personages, outrageous sums of money offered as gifts, and hostile byplay between Jillian and the other 'haremites.'  But it is extraordinarily well written, and it makes one wonder if all harem girls must be Mensa candidates, so impressive is Ms. Lauren's style.

Do check both books out.  My next book, The Last Harem, will be introduced to Amazon in late May.